Legwarmers, a play in 3 acts

Act 1

Me: Legwarmers are stupid! How often do your calves get cold, amirite?? Lulz.
Beth: I wear leg warmers.
Me: ...really?
Beth: Yeah, they really help keep me warm.

(later)

Me: Man, the boot-cut jeans are letting breezes in under the cuffs! They're making my... calves... cold...

(light bulb overhead)

Me: I've been such a fool!

Act 2

Me: I will make some plain legwarmers! Just 1x1 ribbing! Basic tubes, for my legs! But how much yarn will I need?

(sits at computer quietly)

Me: But all these patterns are giving wildly different yardages! I have no idea how much yarn I'll need!

(cue: dramatic music)

Me: I shouldn't buy new yarn. I have so much already! But no! There is not enough of any of my superwash wools! And I can't use non-washable, for the leg warmers will get dirty, and I don't want to hand wash them!

Perhaps I will do some colorwork, and since I have superwash wools in different colors! No, the colors I have are ugly together, and I want these to be simple. What about this yarn, whose colors are kind of ugly, but the yarn is so soft? No! Not superwash! And this? No! Ugly!

(days of constant researching later, complete with rings under eyes and crazyhair)

Me: Maybe... maybe just a little colorwork... With this hand-dyed wool -- it's not superwash I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT. And this nice... black Lana Grossa Cool Wool... The one skein should be enough... But there's that... pretty... pretty... star pattern from those socks... I could just... do some math...

(hours later, happily knitting along)

Me: [frown] Something doesn't seem right... *gasp!* The chart has an error!

(cue: dramatic music)

Me: Do I rip back? Or keep going? Rip back? Keep going? Rip back? Keep going... Keep going... Keep going...

(hours later)

Me: Shit, it's too small! NOOOOOOOOOO! [rips out back to the top band] How will I ever, ever finish these?

Act 3

Me: Finally! I have the first leg warmer! And it fits! But wait! What's this?! I'm out of the black wool?! Which I bought in Philly? Even though I'm living in North Carolina?! NOOOOOOO!

Me: Mom? Dad? I thought I'd come up to Philly for a visit! No no, no particular reason. Just to visit. Yessssss, to visit... heh heh heh... What? No, I'm fine.

(days later)

Me: Almost... there... just have to... sew down hem with elastic in...

Me: Could it be? It COULD! They're done! They're done! (prances around)

(later)

Me: Ahh, how did I live my life without leg warmers? I will wear them all the time! I will wear skirts in winter! I will wear them with impunity, and ward off the cold with my LEG WARMERS!

(cue: triumphant music)





(days later)

Me: Man, my knees are really cold.

(cue: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN)